Rady Family: May 2009

Today I had a pit in my stomach as I got up this morning. I love going places and doing new things especially with my children!! But this morning I wanted to just stay in bed!! Tucker was going on a field trip to "This is the Place" park and he was excited to go but I remember going a long time ago and it was mostly up hill on dirt roads. Not the most wheelchair friendly place!! Mike and I had known it was today but it came up really a lot faster than we expected because of our crazy week!!!! I was hoping Mike could go with us and he could push Tucker around and lift him wherever he needed to go. He informed me last night that they might have a Cath (a heart patient) to do today, that he couldn't go. I layed there thinking about how I was going to push Tuck around and pack Bryson and watch Austin all at the same time. Let alone it was suppose to be above 80 today.

Early this morning I made up my mind that I was going to take all three and pack Bryson on my back with our backpack we have and that way my hands would be free to help Tucker. Well it started out good. Except we get there and there is at least 8 bus loads of students wandering around the place and it was crazy!!!

People would see Tucker struggling here and there and would help him if he needed it. People can seriously be so nice sometimes and to a mother seeing that her child is being taken care of it means so much!!! Anyway after lunch the group starts out and gets going. It took Tuck and I a little bit longer than the rest because it is up hill and I am packing a three year old on my back. Well we get up to one of the houses and there is a group of kids and parents standing there listening to someone. I wasn't paying much attention and start realizing that we didn't know anyone in this group. A friend of mine who was sweet decided to come along to help if I needed it and to take Austin to preschool halfway through. She starts asking people if they have seen our class and we are told they are up the hill. So I start pushing Tuck up this steep hill to find out that is not his class. He is ready to cry, trying hard not to show his emotions because he hates being left behind and he hates people helping him. He really tries very hard to be independent as much as he can. Well this whole place he needed someone almost all the time and then trying to keep up with everyone to only get lost from everyone was really frustrating for him!! He is so sweet, he was constantly telling me he was sorry that I had to push him. I kept telling him it was ok and that I was glad to come with him. I could tell he was struggling a lot, he really wanted to find his class so we hiked back down and tried finding them. By then he is trying hard not to cry because he has to wait outside all the places while I look for his class because they all have stairs. I am doing all I can to keep it together and be the strong mom he needs me to be and about this time I see his teacher from last year. I stop her and she has tears welling up in her eyes, feeling bad for us, and tells me to go have some fun with him and take him for ice cream. She says I don't know why they would leave him behind and she is very frustrated with how the day was turning out!! I have tears streaming down my face and Tuck is waiting at the corner for me in tears himself. I tell myself I have to pull myself together and get him to want to go for ice cream.

I get to him and we talk about it and he has absolutely no desire to eat ice cream. He just wants to be with his buddies and his class. I am feeling bad because I know that if Mike would have taken him they would have been able to keep up better and Mike could have taken him in and out of the houses with stairs with no problem!!

So together we pull ourselves together and head for ice cream seeing that I have no idea where his classmates are at at this point, and it is 85 degrees out and I am again packing a three year old child who now all he wants or cares about is getting ice cream because we happened to mention it. As we get to the top and are on the road in front of the ice cream shop we see Mr. Rob who meets us with Matthew and Chandler (some of Tucker's friends) and he is feeling bad!! He begins to tell us how sorry he is and Tucker starts telling him how he was trying to get up a hill and he lost track of his class and we couldn't find them and that it was his fault and he is sorry. At that point I get big tears in my eyes and can't say anything for fear I will just end up one big mess!! They decide to go to the school house where Tucker can go and then we head up to the coffin maker place and he is just fine. He forgets so quickly or maybe he just doesn't let it bother him, I am not sure.

For me it was a very hard day and my emotions are still at the surface!! As a mother you want your children to be loved, excepted and never hurting inside!! I think he handles things better than I do!! He is such a good kid and so strong in so many ways that really a kid at his age shouldn't have to be!! When you look around and see how easy things are for his friends and classmates and I know Tucker would give anything to be able to do the same things, it breaks my heart sometimes!!

I know that he is a much stronger person and that someday he will be amazing because of all the things he has been through!! I also know that climbing our mountain here on earth is what makes us appreciate things, it is what brings true joy when we overcome and it is what molds us into something great. What the Lord has intended us to be. The learning and growing of it all is the hardest part!! I really do appreciate these times for I know they make me stronger but at the same time I have heartache wanting Tuck to just be able to do simple things like walking or going up a flight of stairs!!! I try hard not to let him see me cry because I know life is hard enough to deal with let alone trying to make your mom happy at the same time isn't fair!! So I most always am able to reach down deep and pull strength from places I didn't know I had until that moment. I usually find a place to go or a room to sit and let those feelings out, today it happens to be my blog!!

I feel so blessed to be able to raise him and I pray that I can give him all that he needs in a mom!! I know that some day we will be great friends. I often think of what a blessing and gift the resurrection will be and how I can not wait for the Savior to take Tuck in His arms and heal him and make him whole!! What an appreciation we will have for that!! He has taught me so many things already I am so grateful he is my son!! Even though it was a hard day he still came home smiling!! It makes me wonder if he is having more hard days and that he is not sharing those with me. Sometimes I can tell when he is having a hard day, I think it is mostly through the spirit!!!! Most of the time he will talk to me about it but I know he never tells me everything because he is worried about me feeling bad for him.

I love him dearly and feel so blessed to be his mom, especially on days like this!! Here are a few pictures to share of his day with his friends. He didn't want to eat with us of course.

So Bryson, Austin and I sat somewhere else and ate our lunch.

Chandler who was sweet enough to come with his teacher to be with Tucker.

Can you tell how cool Tuck is ??!!

Tucker loved the wood shop, he didn't want to leave!!

Tuck's teacher, Mr. Rob. He has been the most awesome teacher for Tuck and has helped his self esteem so much!! I really wish he could stay in his class one more year!!

I had so many thoughts and feelings to write down, to be able to get them out, that I decided to write them here to have them for later. It normally isn't this bad and we really are blessed, just had a bad day. They say hardship makes you stronger but today I felt pretty weak!!